Is Your Dog Friendly?

Such a simple question with a not so simple answer. As Laura & Kim discuss this topic, you’ll hear why just blurting out “yes” may not be the best option. No matter how friendly your dog is under normal circumstances, there may be situations when he isn’t comfortable having a stranger pet or interact with him. Nobody wants to offend someone on the street who says nice things about their dog, like how cute he is, or he reminds them of a dog they had growing up. So, when that same person asks if they can pet your dog you feel compelled to say “yes”. Unfortunately, that may not be what’s best for your dog.

Laura: Hi this is Laura Bourhenne from Animal Attraction Unlimited

Kim: And I'm Kim Rinehardt with Ain’t Misbehaving K9, thank you for joining us. Welcome to the show!

Laura: Today is Kim's topic, I have no idea what we're doing.

Kim: Today we're going to talk about is your dog friendly, is your dog friendly. Four words that I kind of shudder when I hear because they are a question that people ask and they expect a yes or no answer and it's a little bit like saying are you friendly? That would depend on the situation that you're in, who you are expected to be friendly with, how comfortable are you in that situation?  There are so many variables to if you’re friendly.

Laura: What kind of mood you're in, etc.

Kim: So, I'm friendly sometimes and sometimes I'm not. If somebody breaks in my front door I'm not friendly at all. If somebody walks down the street that I feel afraid of I'm probably not going to be friendly and social.

Laura: But if they hand you $100 you're going to be kind of friendly.

Kim: That sounds twisted, that's a whole other subject but OK, OK, let's get away from that! Yeah, but the thing is if they are doing something that I enjoy if they're doing some canine nose work or we're doing you know agility or something that I really enjoy I'm probably more likely to be friendly. If we have something in common, I'm probably more likely to be friendly, depending on who they are and how they act. And if they're a good-looking man I'm probably going to be friendly. But again, totally different subject. The thing is that it's not a yes or no answer.

Laura: And that’s a really good point. If somebody asks you if your dog is friendly and you say well sometimes, or conditionally, and they look at you like you're strange, like well either your dog is friendly or he's not, which is not true.

Kim: No it's not.  Whenever anybody has asked me is your dog friendly, I say she or he is polite. Because I think of that as being a safer way to characterize my dog. My dog is polite with people. My dog is polite with other dogs. But that doesn't necessarily to them look like a friendly dog, so in dog to dog interactions, friendly to somebody else might be my dog runs up and jumps all over another dog, and initiates play, and is instantly super super familiar. Well I will tell you, most of my dogs aren't. Most of my dogs aren't comfortable with super familiarity instantly with a dog that they don't know. They're polite, they will follow the social mores that indicate that they are open to not being aggressive with another dog, but that they want to ease into that getting to know you moment. So they might curl their bodies, they might sniff rear ends, they might do the things that dogs do in a polite social interaction, they might stand back and wait and watch the other dog for body language that says I'm comfortable with you approaching me. Or they might exhibit behavior that says to the other dog I'm comfortable with you approaching. But one of the things that they don't do is just run up and be super friendly. But I will tell you that in talking to people that is what they say is a friendly dog. Or a friendly dog with a person, somebody might have the expectation that if your dog is friendly, it's instantly going to come up and lick-lick-lick, and want to be all over me, and be really friendly. My dogs aren't like that at all. My dogs are as antisocial as I am. They're like, I don't know you and I'm not ready to be that friendly with you. I will accept certain things from you all, except my dogs might accept petting if it's done in a respectful fashion. If somebody puts their hand down the dog moves towards them and they start to pet the dog. They might not be comfortable with being petted on the head by a stranger. Where I could pet them on the head, if a stranger does it they're inclined to move away. And I think that people don't really understand that friendly is just too broad a term.

Laura: I was just going to say that a lot of people make broad generalizations, like I have a golden retriever and he's really friendly so therefore all golden retrievers are friendly, and they tend to do stuff by breeds as well. Or, and this isn't about friendly, but it just made me think about it when you were talking about the petting thing. So it's like my dog enjoys being pet like this, so that dog should also enjoy being petted like this. And you're right a lot of it has to do with the relationship so just because I have a relationship with my dog and you've seen me do these things with my dog, doesn't mean that you can do things with my dog.

Kim: Well I used to answer that question very honestly and say, I don't know, what does that mean to you? What does friendly mean to you? Because I can't answer the question “is my dog friendly?” because that's really a judgment call. I might think my dog is friendly, but you might not think my dog is friendly. I might know my dog as being friendly, but you might not know my dog as being friendly. It's a very difficult thing.

Laura: Well a good answer is “he's friendly with me”. Yeah, or, “he won't take your hand off”.

Kim: But actually you know, Laura, honest answers to that question are off-putting to people. They really are. I'm just saying that's why I wanted to talk about this because I wanted whoever listens to this to maybe open up their mind a little bit. So if they are inclined to ask, “is your dog friendly?”, to start opening up their mind to what are you asking when you ask, “is your dog friendly?”. When you ask somebody, “is your dog friendly?”, what are you really asking? Are you asking, “would your dog welcome me petting him?”. “Would your dog like to be friendly with my dog?”. What is the question that you're really trying to get the answer to?

Laura: So be more specific.

Kim: Yes, because just that question gets people into trouble, and in fact I was just on Facebook today, somebody had put up something about a little girl who had gotten pretty badly bitten by a dog, and the whole interaction between the dog and the child had started with the child asking, “is your dog friendly?”. According to this story because I don't have the woman's story, you have from the child or from the people who were with the child. I don't know, it was a really sketchy story, but anyway, the answer from the woman was, “yes my dog is friendly”. I would also say my dogs are friendly to me all the time, 24/7. There's never a time when they're not friendly to me. I can even be doing things they don't like and they're still friendly to me. But to answer the question is difficult because then this dog, when the child moved in to pet the dog, and again the details on this are sketchy, but the dog ended up biting the child, and more than one time. So clearly this dog was not friendly with this child, and was actually rather aggressive with his child, and kind of continued to go after the child after the child tried to move away from the dog. So clearly this wasn't friendly. But it got me thinking about what a tricky question that is. And the reason it's such a tricky question is because people's perception of what that means. When you ask, “is your dog friendly?”, what are you really asking? You're not asking, “is your dog friendly?” because how would you ask that of a person? Are you friendly? Laura, are you friendly? I mean I've always found you to be friendly, except when you're not (laugh). By the way, I find myself the same way. I'm friendly except when I'm not.

Laura: Yeah, that’s true with everybody.

Kim: By the way, when I'm mad I'm not very friendly, when I'm tired, I'm sometimes friendly, sometimes not. When I'm in a hurry I'm not always friendly, although maybe you would call me friendly and maybe you wouldn't. It depends on what friendly looks like to you. Maybe if I didn't bite your head off you would think I was friendly. What does that mean?

Laura: I mean a lot of people don't think that I'm friendly and I am when I know you, but I'm not overtly friendly. I kind of sit back and watch.

Kim: Definitely, I got told you were very nice when I first met you. And the thing is I know you very well, I know you're one of the kindest people I know. You're shy and a little bit uh..

Laura: if you look up introvert in the dictionary there's a picture of me.

Kim: Yeah you're shy. I know that but I also know you're incredibly kindhearted. Look I'm gonna get teary because you're one of my very best friends, and you are a very very very very sweet kind wonderful person. But I got told that when I first met you by somebody who didn't know you.

Laura: By somebody who had formed an idea (who had seen me), but again you know those kinds of broad strokes

Laura: thank you by the way.

Kim: My pleasure, thank you for being a good friend. But those kinds of broad strokes then become really confusing, and I think that when it comes to dog situations it gets us into trouble. It gets our own dogs into trouble. Those perceptions, it gets other people's dogs into trouble, in this situation, in this this news story it got this child into trouble. It can be the root of why there are dog fights, and there are dog bites, and all these kinds of problems. It's not a black and white answer. But I'm telling you, if you answer somebody honestly, which I have for a long time because it's always struck me as a very strange question, “is your dog friendly?”, I'm like, “oh well, sometimes”.  Right? My dog's friendly to me, and then I landed on this, “well, my dog is polite”. In other words, meaning my dog is not gonna jump up grab you as you walk down the street. And my dogs are inclined to put up with attention that maybe they're not that comfortable with. Of course, I always give them leave to walk away, to move away, but I wouldn't call them friendly. In fact, I used to say when I was really struggling with this question, I used to say to people, “well no she's pretty antisocial actually”. Because you know my dogs aren't instantly friendly. I've taught my dogs to mind their own business, so they aren't instantly climbing all over somebody.  Because I would call that impolite. How would you answer if somebody asks you is your dog friendly?

Laura: I just say, “no” (laughing).

Kim: You are mean! This could be why I was warned (laughing!). I sit and agonize over the way to fix this situation and you just say, “Nope!”. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Laura: Well, that's before you gave me the genius answer of, “with me, he’s friendly with me”. Because there are too many caveats.

Kim: Of course, there are.

Laura: It’s so much easier to say, “no not really”, than it is to go, “well under certain circumstances and it kind of depends, I mean they're on a leash right now…”. And you know me not being the chit chatty type I would just rather say no and go along my merry own way.

Kim: Well in truth I agree with you, there are times when I say no when I know somebody is not going to listen to what I have to say, there are people that you know they're moving in they've asked the question, but they're not even interested in the answer. They've already made their choices.

Laura: Yes, and that’s why I say, “no” and become a wall (laughing). See our last podcast.

Kim: No I agree I there are times when I say no too.

Laura: Well because if you try to go into a long, drawn-out explanation, like you said they're already moving in. They're expecting a yes answer and if I say no and step in, then they're more likely to back off. But if I start doing all these caveats and “well under certain circumstances..” then my dog is already in trouble.

Kim: Well, I mean actually, I wouldn't even go into that. I would kind of like do this hesitation. When I finally decided to start saying, “she's polite”, that at least makes people stop for a second and look at you, and you get an opportunity to say you know I don't know. She doesn't know you, you’re a stranger so I don't know that she's welcoming you coming up and saying hello. Or I don't know if she's welcoming the attentions of your dog. However, I will tell you that a percentage of people at that point will decide you or your dog isn't nice.

Laura: And you know what? I don't care.

Kim: I don't care about them; I think I care about changing public perception. I care about making people think about this think about what you're asking when you ask is your dog friendly. It's such a simple characterization for very complex set of variables it's almost impossible to answer honestly, it really is. I mean my most honest answer is my dogs are polite, they are polite, they won't push into you and they probably are not, I mean I haven't had this experience that they would bite you if you come in and push in on them, but then again I would stop you if you're really pushing in hot and heavy on one of my dogs. Or with one of the rescue dogs I would say she's not comfortable with strangers, and you're a stranger. By the way I add that because sometimes people don't get that just because they're feeling friendly towards a dog doesn't mean that the dog feels that they aren’t a stranger. Because that's another misconception. People who really like dogs, I mean I've heard this million times, oh all dogs love me,

Laura: And we all know how that works out most of the time

Kim: Which really means I love dogs

Laura: And because I haven't been bitten yet all dogs love me.

Kim: Right it doesn't mean all dogs love you because of course not all dogs love you.

Laura: It means so far dogs have tolerated you.

Kim: Yeah, or the ones that haven't you've labeled this as nasty and walked away. I mean the thing is all dogs don't love you, you might like dogs and I'm telling you, if I say to people well you know she's not that comfortable with strangers and you're a stranger. I add that in because I think a lot of times people don't get they are feeling friendly and warm they don't think I'm myself as a stranger. They're not a stranger to themselves. Seriously it seems obvious, but it is a problem. And I've seen it be a problem. I've seen it be a problem with my own dogs, I've seen it be a problem with other people, so the reason that I hate those words “is your dog friendly”, nobody can answer that really honestly. That is too complex a question to ask. Honestly a better way to talk to people when you go up and you want to say hello with their dogs might be “may I pet your dog?”, or “would your dog welcome my attention?”, or and by the way it's always a nice idea to ask the dogs permission not just the person. Even if a person says yes, what would that look like Laura if we were gonna ask the dog’s permission? OK I asked the person and the person said yes you can say hello, how would I ask the dog permission?

Laura: Well hold out your hand, and not in the dog's face for the dog to sniff just kind of offer your hand kind of palm up but towards your body and see if the dog comes forward, moves into it right? As opposed to walking around, turning away from you, I mean the dog knows you're there. A lot of times you'll do something you know, you'll say hey buddy, talk to the dog, snap your fingers, kiss, and whatever, and the dog just is looking away from you, and you think the dog doesn't see you or hear you. “Oh he doesn't see me yet”. Really? You’ve been standing there talking to his owner for 15 minutes but he doesn't know you're there? The dog knows you're there. If the dog wanted to say hi to you he would already be there.

Kim: And I think that's a big thing, and that's maybe another thing that would be really nice if people came away from this podcast to understanding is that if the dog wants your attention they'll tell you.

Laura: And even if the dog comes up and says yes you can pet me, it doesn't mean pet him for 20 minutes while you sit there and talk to the person, because a lot of dogs feel pressured once they're in that position. They feel pressured to stay there until you take your hand off of them, and although it might be fine for the first 10 or 15 seconds, after that they start to go “OK please stop touching me”.

Kim: Because you're a stranger. And maybe the dog was comfortable for the first few seconds and then decides OK this is too close I'm in too close proximity with you to you I feel like I can't get away because even if it's just social pressure or it's just internal pressure that the dog feels, they feel they can't walk away.

Laura: It's like a handshake that goes on for a little too long, right? You know you give somebody a handshake and they just don't let go of your hand. The handshake stops but they're still holding on your hand and you start wishing you could pull away but social pressure is keeping your hand there.

Kim:   Yeah, so no more “is your dog friendly?”. Bad question; bad bad question. Not a good question. You know if you're going to ask someone if you can say hello to their dog ask them that way and then take the time to ask the dog first, as Laura said. And then watch the dogs for their acceptance or rejection of this situation. Sometimes a dog can look like he's really excited to say hello to your dog and dogs will, my own observation is that dogs will kind of turn into the whirling dervish sometimes to gain some distance. You know when they're really super super active it actually creates a bit of a barrier. They don't want you moving in on them so they start to be really active. So just take the time to first of all understand that it's not as simple as are you friendly or are you not friendly. It's situational, it depends on the relationship, depends on their level of comfort with somebody who they sort of know or don't know at all, or that kind of thing. And then take the time to actually look at the dog and evaluate, is the dog also agreeing with the owner here? Do they feel that they want to be friendly in this circumstance?

Laura: Yeah. Pet the dog for a couple of seconds and take your hand off and see what the dog does. If the dog stays there and goes “hey”, and nudges your hand or whatever, and goes “that was fun keep doing that”, then you pet them for a few more seconds and then stop and see what the dog wants to do. Because if you pet a dog and then you stop petting the dog, or the dog walks away from you and shakes it off, it means that that interaction went on for too long and they're done.

Kim: Well even if they just walk away and if they don't shake it off it just means they're done they were maybe OK with what happened there, but they aren't asking to continue with this interaction. And you know what? That's OK, that's OK. And in fact that doesn't mean they're not friendly, it means, just like us, they have varying tolerances for things and that they want to be able to be given a choice. Right?

Laura: Yes

Kim: Alright. So I told you as soon as we started talking about it you'd know what to say.

Laura: I thought of a few things.

Kim: Yeah. Alright, so this is Kim Rinehardt with Ain’t Misbehavin’ K9

Laura: And Laura Bourhenne from Animal Attraction Unlimited. Thank you for joining us.